“Some answers are never found, and it’s true that you return to the question quite a number of times, but only to find disappointment. It’s a trap. It’s a loop you have to live, and you certainly learn to.
For me, for you, the duration is 10 days, because we both know we would pass the storm again, we both know we are again going to cause havoc in our lives, and a day or two, we would have to live with this disturbance in our peace, and then again, we go on for the rest of our lives.
You can’t tell, and I have to know. I am ready to understand, but you’re not willing to explain. What do you get by keeping me in this shadow? Does it feel superior? Or am I this horrible a human being that you cannot even explain to me the reason behind why am I stuck in this loop? I particularly don’t like it either, if that’s a doubt. I don’t like to live in your shadow. I don’t like to think about you. Nobody likes to think about something they want but cannot have. It’s my guilty pleasure, to find my calm in your arms, or more like the idea of being in your arms. In spite of everything, I want you. Isn’t that annoying? I am drowning in my own guilt for wanting someone like you, but deep inside the heart of these trenches, there’s a part of me that’s willing, to love, to chase, to climb, you, your secret, your walls. Again, guilty. Now you know why I am taking rounds, because, like I exist in yours, guilt exist in my shadow. I am unable to face the mirror for making her go through this. I am guilty of chaining my her to you, I am guilty of making myself appreciate the stars in your dark, black sky. How do I face myself, the self who survives on breathing freedom? How do I tell her why I have to love you, when I don’t know myself. I make myself go through this process again, and again, because someone once said that in this world, two words, forever and never are meaningless. How do I face myself when I make her go through this trash every once in a while because I am clinging on the slightest hope that you would return, when I know and you know and probably even she knows after all my ignorance that you would never, but like someone said, never is a never a never.” -tw.
I remember everything. Her long, blonde hair and beach-tanned skin. My hands a sweaty mess, nervous. I was terrified of this unknown, this moment. I ran for dear life from a dog that chased me, and eventually bit me, and I thought that was less scary than this moment in front of me. I'm no smooth criminal, I often stare at the ground when in the presence of someone I find attractive, but this is one of the proudest moments of my life. As an introverted, awkward-turtle, low self-esteem having, ground staring kid, I told fear and anxiety to eat shit. You couldn't wipe the fat smile off of my face if you tried on that day. Her name was Kelsey. I won't ever forget it.
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