I lost myself.
I still remember that day when my older brother passed away.. During his wake a lot of people came to mourn with us.. I was shocked to hear what his classmates, teachers and friends said about him.. I didn't know he was smart, outgoing, bubbly and full of humor. I only knew him based on how he was at home - quiet, serious and strict.. But he had a lot of friends and I can say that they loved him.
I was envious. I started thinking of how my wake would be like if it was me who died.. Will a lot of people visit me? I tried harder after my brother passed away.. I was 12yrs old then.
I used to hate socializing but tried so hard to talk to strangers to make new friends.. I used to hate studying but tried so hard so I can ace an exam.. There were a lot of things I used to hate but I did those things anyway with the hopes that maybe when 'that time' comes, during my wake, a lot of people will come to mourn for me.
But I lost myself.. I became a different person.. The quiet, timid girl turned into a loud, bubbly person.
There came a point in time when I would lock myself in my room and wonder if I really am who I think and pretend I am.. It was exhausting, trying so hard to be someone I'm not.. Forcing myself to do things I don't like doing.. I'm still in the process of rediscovering myself, of who I really am and what it is that I am really passionate about.. I'm still trying not to do what I've mastered to do - pretending to be the person I am not.
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