▪ As I come to the end of this pregnancy, I find myself struggling emotionally. The reality of my past traumas of childhood and teenage/young adult years is surfacing in me in motherhood. Traumas of which there are many. It's a hard thing to swallow for someone like me, who spent my whole life trying to convince myself that those things had no affect on me, that I had overcome them amidst them happening. The truth is I never really knew how much they did affect me and would later affect me as a mother.
▪ I can get down on the floor and play with my daughter, but I can't find the light-hearted, silliness I rarely experienced in never having an opportunity to truly be a child. I cannot stop judging my every move, no matter how many compliments and kind words I receive. There is no room for error and my constant strive for perfection exhausts me to my core. I worry for my children about the lack of simple, normal things, like grandparents and family around, and how they won't experience that to its fullest. I worry that I just won't be enough, no matter how hard I try.
▪ I've never been one to admit things like that openly. I've always persevered and pushed through, doing what I thought was needed to be strong. Lately I've been trying to find the beauty in allowing myself to be vulnerable, transparent even, with anyone who doesn't know me WELL, of which there are very few.
▪ I try to take heart in knowing that my children will not see me in all my brokenness, but will see the beauty in my love. So much of how I love, comes from that very brokenness I wish I didn't see. I pray that they will see my strength, even in times of vulnerability, and in turn will be strong themselves. And, that one day, God willing, I will get to be all those things for them and their children, that I wish I had for them.
▪ I don't really place value on social media in my daily life, but know there's a community of people out there, who maybe this could resonate with. I hope it reaches those hearts, because it truly comes from mine.
#piecesofme #pentopaper #writersofinstagram #30weeks