I'm sorry for giving you tumultous seas and raging oceans and burning Suns.
I'm sorry for not being the muse and the delicate flowers and the calm lake.
I'm sorry for all the things that I've been and I couldn't be.
My eyes search for you, right before I wake up.
My eyes think of you, right before I go to sleep.
My eyes smile. They talk too.
They talk to me when I look at the mirror for more than 5.7 seconds.
But they don't smile at me anymore.
They smirk, with disdain.
They don't find you anymore between them.
They ask me about how one day you disappeared and never came back.
Do you remember how you used to kiss the inside of my wrist?
Remember how I smiled at times against your lips, while kissing you?
Do you remember placing your head on my chest?
Do you remember all the times we had and the ones we promised that we will have?
Keep me warm inside your overcoat.
Kiss me in the vanilla twilight.
Why do we need to pass the beer glass from mouth to mouth?
Why can't we just drink in each other?
Stop passing me the half-burnt cigarette that has touched your lips.
Crash your lips on mine and let's get burnt.
It doesn't hurt now when you make insensitive jokes;
When you say that if my current life is as bad as I make it out to be, I should rather jump off of the balcony.
I won't lie that it didn't hurt when you said it, but it doesn't hurt as much.
Maybe that's your coping mechanism against the emotional torture I put you through.
I'm learning to part with the grief, the bond that we no longer share, the knowledge that we're no more who we used to be.
How do I part with the physical remnants?
How do I part with the shirt that vaguely smells of you and stays with me in my bed?
How do I part with all the silly pictures of you that you've sent me?
How do I part with all of your instagram posts for me?
How do I part with myself?
You might not be the perfect lover, but you're the perfect love.
I made a house of dawn.
Glittery Seashells sang songs,
And some smiles lit up the night.
But now the fairy lights choke me
And the mountains echo deafening silence.
You break up. You don't feel a thing. It's not because you're numb, it's because the situation hasn't hit you yet. Wait for it. It hits you. You go through the 5 stages of grief all at once, no clear demarcations. You two still talk with each other. The tears don't come. Nothing has changed. One night, at 2 o clock, you suddenly can't stop crying. Why is it so? Why don't the tears give warnings before free falling from the corners of your eyes? Isn't it too late for you to be crying?
That's how losing someone you love works. You get breakdowns in the middle of work. While walking along a busy sidewalk. While getting coffee and suddenly remembering that the other person likes hazelnut coffee with vanilla ice cream, just like you do. You start crying while having your lunch and don't realize until it's too late. You miss him while smoking a cigarette. And you want him back while dancing on a crowded dance floor. You fall down on the bathroom floor, not caring if you broke a hip. You think that you don't deserve happiness because of everything you did to contribute to this stage you're in. You start believing that everything was your fault. You think when does this end? Where does this go? It feels that someone is wringing out all the blood and life out of you. When will the ache in your heart stop?
Baby, does the pain end?
Thanks for the beautiful picture @idiotsan.wich
Let my gaze pierce your soul,
And make you cry out loud
With the agony of not being heard in ages.
Let me kiss your fiery lips.
Let's go on a road trip; the trips where we wanted to go alone. Let's get away. Let's not book a hotel, stay in the car. I'll stop you a lot to admire the views, like a lot! I'll take you to museums and kiss you in front of the mummies. Buy me a Polaroid camera and I'll click pictures of the sunset and your silly emoji face. Oh, you'll have to click really nice pictures of me. While we're at it, can we also take a stroll in the forest and forget our way back? Will you make a crown of wild flowers and dead leaves? Let's make memories. Let's feel alive for once.
Carve my body with scars that you've earned.
Etch them on my back, my breasts, my hips, my legs, my face.
Burn my skin.
I love you. Your happiness is crucial for mine. We're imperfect beings and yet all our imperfections make us perfect for each other. I'm losing myself in loving you and I'm finding myself being in love with you.
I'm a dreamer. This is going to be the window in our bedroom. There are going to be clouds, floating around in different shapes. I wish there were no bars.
Let's meet somewhere in between. End the distance. Let's watch the sky turning colors, pink, purple, blue, orange.. with clouds floating around in different shapes.
How long are we gonna pretend that everything is fine?
How far are we gonna push each other away, to lose sight of the forever?
I think about us, a lot. No matter wherever I am, whatever I'm doing. But, I think of you the most when I stand here, on the balcony, with my coffee mug in my hand, looking at the trees. The gentle breeze on my face, hair. I take a sip of the almost cold coffee and wonder what your smells like. Does it smell like the ground after it rains?
Does it smell like freshly brewed coffee?
Does it smell like this smell you remember but can't quite recognise?
Does it smell like my love?
But love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which
only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn't even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. To love is to lose control - Paulo Coelho
Somedays are going to be the worst.
Maybe, the love will guide you home.
I've been at a loss for words since a few days now. So, I give you Poe.. Take this kiss upon the brow
And in parting from you now
Thus much let me avow
You are not wrong who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away.
In a night or in a day In a vision or in none
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand
Yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep While I weep --- while I weep!
Sometimes words fail me.
I'm too afraid to speak out the wrong words.
How do I finish the poetry you are writing on me?
What songs do you listen to when you're angry with me?
Do you think about staying alone, in a cozy apartment, walking barefoot in the morning?
Tell me, when do you miss me the most?
Who do you miss the most?
What do you miss the most?
Do you ever regret not watching enough sunrises?
Do you still wait for the perfect sunset?
Tell me, when was the last time you really laughed? Really smiled? Really cried?
Which song would you like to play on your guitar on and on and never get tired?
What do you see right after you wake up?
What do you see right before you fall asleep?
Sometimes no roots are formed, and people seriously fly away.
Sometimes all you have is two of their shirts, one washed and the other one smells more of you now.
Sometimes all you say is fuck off and fuck yourself and get lost and leave.
Sometimes you can't just ask them to stay. Not anymore.
Sometimes they don't want to stay. Anymore.
Sometimes you have to let them go.
Sometimes they really need to fly away.
Sometimes you have nothing and that's all that you have.
Fly with the birds,
Towards your sun.
Dream about the people still in your memory.
Bite your tongue,
Let your body shake an alizarin crimson.
Let the sun burn the unwritten, hidden scars.
Photo clicked by: @idiotsan.wich
We both are made of stardust, but I'm more magic than you're.
I'm more striking than you're.
But you're love. You're more love than I am. You're more of me than I am.
We will find our way back. My mouth will again melt in yours and my tongue won't find its way back. My body would feel alive again. And I'd lose myself with you in me. You in the deepest parts of me; touching, caressing every nook and corner and curve.
You'll find your way back in me and I'll find my way with you. We will make through it. I believe we will. I do.
I look into people's homes; the curtain patterns, the lights, the TV channels they're watching. I look into their balconies and see a couple talking or just staring into the sky, under meaningful silences; the silences between only two people who know each other like the back of their hands. I look into their houses and glimpse our future. I see us bantering in the kitchen with you constantly on my heels. I see myself opening the door to you when you get back from work and jumping into your arms, as if I'm a koala waiting for your warm hugs. I imagine you waking me with kisses, and sometimes going down on me early in the morning. I see us lighting up a mosquito repellent and sleeping under the magnificent sky, naked. I see us fighting and I see us making up, making out on the window sill. I see our future. I see the present that is too harsh but I also, see us in those homes where every bad thing stops being significant. I look into people's homes and I steal the sights to make my memories for the future.
I miss you.
I wish you were here.
I wish you had never left.
I wish you could come back again.
Let out a little water.
Relieve the heavy clouds.
Relieve the heavy heart.
Let out some sound.
Let me hear you.
Whenever you're unsure about us, remember that I'm the one who whispers "ssh, go to sleep. Everything's fine", when you mumble and start twisting in your sleep. Remember that I'm the one who keeps you warm in my arms, your head on my bosom. And I kiss your lips when you least expect it and I hold you tight when you feel not so strong.
Whenever you're unsure about us, please stop in your tracks and think if it's all bad and no good. Remember that it's never me against you. I'll always love you.
Silence. Dreaded silences.
Building castles in the air.
Encouraged to do so.
Pushed hard from the 159th floor.
Cracked my skull, ribs, heart.
I'm bleeding into nothing.
I'm bleeding into the void.
On the drive to the airport, all I could think about was you. I passed by every halogen lamp and I reminisced about the times you kissed me under the yellow of those lamps. I realised why you say that the journey is always better than the destination. During the journey, you were with me; you were in my heart. I travelled with you on the deserted village roads, the service roads. I travelled with you through the long stretch of road, with no red lights to stop us from playing the Indie loud or the wind blowing through our hair. It was just me and you and the roads,slightly smiling at our intertwined fingers.
When I stare at you, I see a light, a light that is the only truth in my life. When I see you, all I see is all the battles that you have fought and the temptations you've resisted. When I see you, I wonder how come you chose me and not others. I see you.
I long for you. My days and nights and moments are filled with longing for you. For your touch, for your smile, for your smell, your kisses. I long for your breath on my neck and I long for the taste of your skin.
Pic courtesy: @the_pulchritudinous_gal
Does love mean that I hand you all the weapons to hurt me and you do the same? Does love mean that we constantly use those weapons against each other? Is this the logic?
Isn't love enough to let go of all the resentments? Isn't love enough to look forward to the future and not grab tight on to the past? Isn't love enough for you to forgive me? Is my love enough for you?
Do you imagine me to be the dark girl? The one with the wild hair, bruised limbs. Chewed on lips. Cigarette marks all on my back?
Do you imagine me as the warm girl? The one who wears oversized baggy sweaters. Likes flowers, noses scrunched up whole smiling.
How do you imagine me to be? Cold? Neon? Green? Purple? Blue? Black? How do you imagine me to be?
I've found a home in you. Don't leave. Don't leave me homeless. Hold me. Crush my bones. Squeeze the life out of me. Run your fingers through the knots in my soul. Kiss me. Kiss the nape of my neck. Love me.
Hey, I love you. I'm a disappointment at times. And I don't think before I act. But, please know that you're the only thing that's right in this spectacular mess that is my life. You're mine. Mine.
Yes, kiss me there. Yeah...right there.
Wait! Let me push your head down, where it belongs.
Or stay where you are.
Don't take your hand off of me.
I'm your honey girl. I'll hug you when you'd be cooking for me (also, poke your arse). Will take you to secret gardens. Overthinking. Cheesecake girl. I'll tell you stories through my smile. I'll share stupid YouTube videos with you. Bake you cookies. Write you poems. Serenade you (probably, not. Just sing, maybe). Be psychotic. Will make you sleep on the crook of my neck. Will love you more than I love myself.
Grabbing on to your shirt, fooling my mind into believing that it's you and not just the shirt. Trying to console my grieving heart that you're still here. Not washing it so that your scent stays with me and also, dreading the day when your shirt will smell more of me and none of you... How will I hold you to me then? What will be the physical remnant of our time together?
You see how crinkly my palm looks? Why? What am I trying to tell you? Why do you keep on clicking silly pictures of me? Also, my hair needs some champi. Pick me up and kiss my head.
Was I incoherent? Did I make sense here? No? Okay. I must be out of my mind.
And sometimes hearts break just like that. When they have to leave. It's not because they don't love you, it's just that they have to leave. So that they can come back again, they leave. And you sit alone on a seat by the airport gate, trying not to cry, hoping against hope that they would just come back. The separation is too much to bear. So, you break down, don't care about those pitiful eyes staring at you. They leave. They come back. And they stay...
Please keep treating me to nice coffee and flowers on all the first dates that we will have.
Your immortal beloved.
You bring out the best, the worst, the hidden, the non-existent, the wild, the calm, the silly, the mature, and every other thing that I've never felt, neither hoped for, in me. You bring out the me in me.