yooo its me :) (long caption ahead)
so a lot has changed about me— first, i finally found TRULY happy sab. it took a lot of digging, acceptance, and time but for the first time in like a year, i’m back.
2017 was a year full of winning for me, but it was also a year of losing and oblivion. i was blind-sighted to what winning a couple of academic competitions and building new relationships that went nowhere did to me; it made me self conscious and it made me worry all of the time. it made me want to scream and cry in agony and frustration. so, when i look back and say 2017 was a good year, it wasn’t for me, mentally. my mind was going downhill until yesterday. we had a spelling bee to determine if we got to go to the school spelling bee, and me having a reputation, i was scared to screw it up. (long story short, i spelled the word sought wrong💀) the day before that, i lost a chemistry contest and the week before, i lost a geography bee. i first thought, wow i’m an idiot. but then, i had lit/lang. we were having this conversation about the n-word & our feelings about it- then it slowly escalated into italians being called slurs, then asians and then everyone. our teacher gave an amazing lecture that would change my life- forever. her point was, you shouldn’t let silly things get into your head like those words or slurs, because they don’t identify who you really are. that very moment, i realized that what she said was a metaphor for me and my “gotta win” mindset. for my whole life, i did think that people were judging me and they were. people always told me to not let them get to me, but i was self conscious and did. however, ever since i lost and she gave that speech about how you shouldn’t let people judge you on how you look or let their labels actually label who you are, hit home. everyday leading up to that speech, i was always worried about if people thought i was smart enough, pretty enough, etc. but after i lost, man it feels good. i’m not saying you shouldn’t win (by all means, please) but all it took for me to become truly happy is...losing. i may have a few bumps in the road, but i’ll be alright. irony at its finest-thanks for reading, have a good day:)